Painsomnia – Tick tock, tick tock, the clock keeps moving…
My mind won’t stop working.
Tick, tock, tick, tock…many nights I just can’t sleep and the only companion I have is the clock and a teddy bear. Teddy doesn’t talk and I can’t get the clock to “SHUT UP”. I know, it’s just my brain trying to work things out but still I AM AWAKE. Sometimes it good because friends text late at night, or I can be online with my Twitter and facebook buddies. Other times it’s hard because I have to get up early for an activity with my daughter and I really need the energy.
Where are my Spoons!!??
Yesterday, energy I didn’t have, I spent with her. I didn’t want her to perceive her life as lacking a mother. Yet, today I’m here right here and my body is too tired to move. I have to pay the price of overuse. How many days will it take? Could I have planned better? I sometimes call them “scheduled crash landings”, when you know in your heart that your pushing yourself but you do it anyway because it is worth it. You make the choice to do something today that you will pay for it tomorrow. But of course tomorrow when you are depleted of any energy whatsoever, you are left questioning those exact choices while you lay in bed. Crap, brain shut down, let me sleep.
6 A.M. My daughter gets up in two hours for camp. I can do it. No I can’t. Yes I can. Brain SHUT UUUPPP!! Let me rest a little longer. The damn clock is still ticking and teddy still grins. What do they know that I don’t? I know my dad will get up for her, but I wanted to do it. I am her mother. It is my responsibility. It is supposed to be my special morning time with my daughter. All these thoughts cycle and run through my head. I must do something. I know I’ll tend her hair and put braids and bows. People now expect her to have the cutest hairstyles, because on my good days I am “mom of the year”. On bad days I use everything I have to keep up with my own act. I will then send her down to the kitchen for breakfast. Good that’s solved. Now can I rest? Tick, tock, tick tock.
“Mommy, are you up yet?” Oh crap! I just fell asleep and she is up. I swear just two minutes more. Please, please, please. “Mommy, fix my hair!” I did sit up and she slid up to the side of the bed. I fixed her hair just like she wanted, she left the room and I fell back on the pillow. Tick, tock, tick, tock… please let me sleep for a few minutes more.
Tick tock, tick tock, the clock keeps moving… but today I do not.
Author: Christine Miserandino
Christine Miserandino is the founder of butyoudontlooksick.com. She has won numerous awards for her writing. She has been featured in newspapers, magazines and television. She was a guest expert for Alliance Health, LupusConnect.com and community TV host for WebMD.com. She prides herself on being a patient advocate, Online Influencer, and health brand ambassador but her favorite role is that of a mommy. You can find her at @bydls on twitter or on facebook.