The Perfect Spoonie

 

From day one, I have been a perfectionist. I know that when I was in preschool, the teacher told my parents that if I could not cut with those rounded tip scissors on the exact line, then I just wouldn’t do it. And that was only the beginning of my quest for perfection. But that’s a pretty difficult quest when you’re a Spoonie.

It’s completely impossible to be perfect when you have a broken down immune system. You’re definitely not perfect when your colon can’t function normally and could eventually try to kill you. It’s not perfect when your pancreas has rebelled and continually misbehaves. Kind of hard to be a perfectionist when one of the most important components of your life is so imperfect: your health.

It’s not easy trying to be perfect all the time, and it’s never achieved. Even people who have their health cannot reach it. And yet the perfectionist keeps trying. Trying to be the perfect wife, daughter, friend, coworker, kitty mom, and on, and on. A counselor friend once discussed this with me and looked me in the face and said, “What an exhausting existence.” Because you are never there. You have never arrived. You’ve never done enough, you can never be enough. You will never be perfect, and when you’re a Spoonie, chances are, you will never be healthy.

It’s tough to know that you cannot perfect your health. No matter what efforts you put forth, your health will never be fixed, let alone perfect. So what do you do to try and make up for it? Try to be the perfect patient. Ask the doctor all the right questions. Always be sweet and courteous to the nurses. Never try to disturb the medical staff after hours. Never run out of meds. Do everything you can to have the best labs. Take all of your meds exactly as you should. Take an interest in your pharmacist. Again, exhausting.

It’s hard being a perfectionist. It’s harder still being a Spoonie. We all have days where we are a far cry from perfect. We can’t get out of bed. We look like crap. We feel like crap. And there’s nothing we can do about it. But this is where we have to take a deep breath and say, just for today, this will have to be enough. So I missed a day of work. So I missed an outing with my friends. So my house is not clean enough. Today, this will have to be perfect enough. Because unlike in preschool, you can’t just put down the scissors and say, “I won’t.” We have to keep going. We have to keep trying. Because we are Spoonies and we are survivors.  We are not perfect, but we are good enough.

 

Article written by staff writer, Kelly Clardy

Kelly lives in Atlanta with her husband and kitty. She developed PIDD in 1995, went undiagnosed until 2007, and has been receiving IVIG ever since. She also has: capillary hemangioma of the colon, chronic anemia, Hashimotos, insulin resistance, and a host of other dxs. By day, she’s a Senior Project Coordinator and a Zebra. She can be found lurking on twitter, @collie1013 and Facebook, Kelly Jaeckle Clardy.

©2024butyoudontlooksick.com

  • There was a study done in the mid 80s that showed that most people with lupus were former type A perfectionistic personalities, which makes dealing with lupus so much harder than if a non-type A personality person had the disease. I was that too, but there is a point when you become too ill to keep things up at all, much less keep them up perfectly. You learn to relax, the world won’t stop if you don’t keep your schedule up or vacuum and dust every week. There’s no law saying you must do all the things we convince ourselves that we must do or else be hated for not doing them. Maybe that in itself is one valuable lesson from illness.

  • Carolynn

    I am not a perfectionist… or so I thought, before I became a Spoonie. Now? I had no idea just how impossibly high my standards were. It has been very hard for me to adjust and to learn that it is ok to let things slide. I need to re-learn that on a daily basis. 😉

    Thanks for this one- I appreciated reading this.

    Take care of you,
    Carolynn

  • RaRebecca

    Oh, thank goodness…

    Here I was thinking it was just me with the perfectionist trait AND a chronic illness… but no, it seems my martyr-syndrome is something that many of you can identify with!

    I have learned to ‘save my spoons’ and allow myself to let a little bit of imperfection to creep into my life every now and again, because if it means I am able to cook myself real dinner as opposed to a microwave meal, or to be able to go out with friends instead of another night home alone on the couch – it’s worth it.

    Thanks for a wonderful read, Kelly – embrace the imperfections. And after all, as one of my mantras reminds me:

    Being happy doesn’t mean everything is perfect – it simply means you’ve chosen to look beyond the imperfections.

  • Thank you. This is so powerful. The social pressure to perfectionism is enormous. The details are different for a man but the principle is the same. Do you work hard enough? Earn enough money? Do you tough it out or turn into a whiny complainer?

    My grandfather bragged that he was never sick a day in his life. Never lost a day of work till his last injury, the one that retired him. As if that was some kind of achievement rather than the streak of good luck he had being able to do so. I’ve dragged to work with colds or flu when I had them, passed it on to all my coworkers back when I was working just the way he did.

    I can’t count the number of times when I was working that it took the boss saying “Go home, you’re too sick. You’re barely on your feet, get some rest and come back when you get over it.”

    No, I didn’t grow up to be a whiner or a wuss. But I had more sick days in school and at work than anyone else I’ve ever known and when I found out why, it was devastating. Willpower is not enough.

  • Claire

    Lovely article. Wish I could have read this 5 years ago and given up my accounting job sooner! Because I had put so much time and effort into doing my Chartered Accountancy studies I didn’t want to give it all up before it was finished, even though it was almost killing me trying to get through it whilst coping with the combination of Crohn’s disease and arthritis both of which got worse with my stress. It took me almost 3 years before I finally conceded defeat and left my job and my studies with one subject to go – but it was the best decision I have ever made as I am now studying Library and Information management which will hopefully lead to a far less stressful, part-time job. It can be so hard to let go when you are a perfectionist but it is the best thing you can do for both your health and your sanity!

  • Jacky

    Thank you. I am a perfectionist and am never happy with what I can accomplish…I will save this and read it again and again. Just seems every time we think we have accepted our limitations, we become even more limited. Something we all need to hear over and over again.

  • I agree with everyone above. Having had preterm labor with my last two children cured some of the perfectionism out of me, however; I still have my moments. Company coming over is the worst!! Way too much stress on one person, even when everyone does help.

  • Karen S

    I think you’re talking about a LOT of us… Thank you for putting it into words. I am going to stop feeling guilty about not being “enough” right now!

    May God bless you & keep you in the palm of His hand!

  • Rachel

    Wonderful article…I just recently quit my job and am applying for disability and still don’t have the energy to do everything I want to or need to do….this article was a perfect fit!

  • Thank you! Today I’m recovering from post-travel pain plus a virus with fever. My physical therapist (who always looks perfect) was typically gracious with me this morning, but I thought, “She really doesn’t know.” However You do! Thanks for the right words at the right time.

  • JUDY

    KELLY-WOW! IT’S LIKE YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT ME! MANY THANX FOR THE ‘PEP TALK’! IT’S A HARD THING TO BE A SPOONIE-BELIEVE ME, I’M HAVING A HARD TIME JUST DOING THE ORDINARY THINGS, LIKE EATING, SLEEPING, CLEANING THE HOUSE. BUT, I KEEP ON TREKKING !MULTIPLE SPOONS TO YOU!

  • Amanda Boge

    Thank you so much for this – I am constantly striving to be perfect – You know maybe the NEXT time – or the NEXT it will be just perfect… I just need to learn how to live for today and know that giving my best is all that I can do. Otherwise I never seem to fully enjoy any experience because I am focusing on what I could have done to make it just right…I have lost a lot of time over not feeling well and sometimes I focus on what I could have done with that time had I not gotten sick – but alas this will also get me no where!
    Positively looking to the future – just as it is. 🙂

  • Amaranta Arcadia

    I’m really felt awful yesterday because I have to adequate my plans to my condition again… Feel sad because I have lost many things and I am still loosing them and suddenly today I received this article of yours and I felt that I wasn’t alone and that I needed to take a breath and just feel happy for being alive.
    Thanks a lot

  • Jackie Aitchison

    Fantastic, recognised so many parts of me in there! Only this morning I was talking to a friend who is recovering from minor surgery and she was unhappy as she would not be able to do her gardening etc for a week or 2, and was upset because is will be a mess and plants that should be being planted might not last. I asked her what was more important – health or anuual plants?? We have to compromise every day, she only has a week or two, then back to normal.

    As this friend is my mum she immediately understood what I was saying , and she knows what a hard lesson it was for me to learn!!

  • Dale

    Absolutely beautifully written! Says so much of what I feel all of the time, but can’t seem to put into words. Gentle hugs & thank you!
    ‘

  • Love ya Kelly. Thank you for taking my thoughts and turning them into an essay that is heartfelt and makes sense. You never cease to amaze me with everything you do!

  • Tiger

    This was very insightful and helpful. Thanks.

  • Margaret

    Thanks… I needed this today. My son, age 12, has Crohn’s Disease and his medication helps him so much, but you never quite know when it will flare up and have to be adjusted. Today was one of those days. He had to miss half a day of school, his baseball game, and will miss part of the day tomorrow to receive his infusion which will most likely bring him back to feeling good. It was supposed to be next week and we’d planned lots of things around that fact. As I watched him deal with this change, yet again, and try and figure out how to best manage it all, I felt so sad. He’s just 12. He wants to be out playing ball and hanging with his friends. He wants to be trying to figure out how to get mom to let him skip a day of school, not trying to figure out how he can be there as much as possible. I just felt so sad watching him and felt, though I know in my head it isn’t so, like such a failure as his mom. Reading your statement “just for today, this will have to be enough” I felt my spirit lift and know that it is enough. It will be ok. Thank you for sharing yourself with me today.

  • Thank you for this, I cried a good cry. I am not a recovering perfectionist… but I guess I will become one. I needed this article so badly, thank you from the bottom of my spoonie heart.

  • Michelle

    Perfect. Really.

  • Marina

    Thank you for sharing your story, and mine too! Every day is a battle to learn how to not fight for that perfection.
    From one spoonie to another,
    Marina

  • Karen Vasquez

    I’m a recovering perfectionist. Thank you for your inspiration.
    Spoonie love to you:-)
    Karen

  • YES! I cried reading this, because, yes, absolutely, me too.