Heart racing.  Flushed face.  Can’t breathe.  Hot and sweaty.  On Valentine’s Day these phrases may conjure up images of feelings of love and desire to some. The way that certain someone makes the butterflies flutter around in a nervous stomach to most people means star crossed love is in the air.  For those with chronic illness, the heart racing most likely is from pericarditis, the flushed face is from a wonky thyroid, the lack of sufficient air is from pleurisy, the hotness is from night sweats and the stomach butterflies are from an impending vomit-fest from a weekly dose of chemotherapy.  Doesn’t sound very romantic, does it?  For people living with chronic illnesses, being in “the mood” is often a chore in itself and usually has absolutely nothing to do with emotion, but everything to do with physical ability.  When your body aches, your joints are swollen, your hair falls out, you’re bloated and puffy from steroids and you feel about as attractive as Jabba the Hut, it’s hard to convince yourself that intimacy would put a smile on your face as much as…oh…say an Epsom salt bath, heating pad and a couple of pain killers.

Unfortunately for a lot of marriages plagued by chronic illness, a loving relationship between a couple is severely tested when it becomes a threesome.  Yep, I said threesome….you, him and your illness.  Marriage with no invaders or complications is hard enough to maintain these days, but adding a chronic invisible illness into the mix can test even the strongest of relationships. I’m guilty of it…the “there’s always tomorrow” syndrome is a mainstay in my house.  “My back hurts…not now, my joints are swollen…not now, I’m exhausted…not now”, or my personal favorite, “not now, I look like I just got hooked up to an air hose and can’t see my feet”. Eventually, the healthy spouse feels as if it’s pointless to initiate any form of intimacy…it’s easier to not even try than to get shot down again at the hand of their mate’s constant pain.

That feeling lends itself to the question, “how do you get the spark back”? What I have learned in ten years of being sick is that intimacy is a two way street.  Sure, he needs to understand that there will be times when being touched is the farthest thing from your mind…in fact, your body hurts so bad that even a hug has you wanting to punch him in the stomach.  However, we as chronically ill people, need to also realize that the give and take also extends to letting them know that you still love them…that you still care. 

There’s no “quick fix” for such a personal issue between a couple, but here are a few tips that are easily implemented and just may make the difference in understand on the parts of both parties.

1. Try to avoid automatic excuses. “I’m tired, I don’t feel good. The pain is unbearable.” I know most of us are guilty of saying these phrases, sometimes automatically. Here’s the cold hard truth…there’s not a “perfect” time for romance when you are chronically sick.  Chances are, at any given time during the day, we are in some sort of pain. Stop and evaluate your pain level.  Use that “pain level chart” the doctors use that we love to hate, and put a value to it.  Level 9 pain…absolutely apologize and ask for a rain check on the romance.  Level 4 or lower….ask yourself if half an hour of affection would raise it to a 6 or 7.  If not, then put on some soft music, and try to relax. You may surprise yourself and find the endorphins actually raise your spirits and push the pain to the back seat for a while.

2. Save some spoons for HIM. As much as I’d like to admit that I am NOT guilty of this, I am. Weekends are a time in my house where I catch up on housework, sleep or laundry and by Sunday I have already depleted all spoons in the kitchen drawer as well as the cracked plastic ones shoved in the back. Is it annoying to have a dirty bathroom sink?  Of course.  Will it be there tomorrow?  Absolutely.  Try sometimes to not spend Saturday cleaning your house and subsequently being exhausted and bed-ridden. Save at least a couple of spoons for him…even if it is just for sitting next to each other on the couch watching television.  Intimacy doesn’t always have to be physical.  Bonus:  Watch episodes of really bad reality television…your life won’t seem so bad after seeing the train wrecks of lives those people live.

3. Be attentive during your time together. Even if you’re just sitting at the dining room table, having dinner with him, rather than your usual breakfast/lunch/dinner in bed, try not to make him feel as if he should feel guilty for requesting your presence.  Avoid cursing out your joints as your hand cramps up cutting your chicken and muttering under your breath, “I hope you appreciate this….I’m about to fall in the floor from being vertical.” (Side note: this will NOT make him want to scoop you up and carry you Harlequin romance book style to the bedroom.) Promise yourself not to talk about your illness for just one night. Do your best to smile and ask him how HE feels and how HIS day was. It will go a long way with him…trust me.

4. Make a thank you list.  By list I mean all of all the things you notice he does that you don’t usually thank him for: Picking up your medication on his way home from work, cooking your favorite dinner and checking over the kids’ homework, or simply leaving you alone in a quiet room when your pain is at an all time high. Too often, these things get taken for granted and we come to expect them instead of appreciate them.

5. Lose the granny panties.  Acknowledge that the steroids are necessary sometimes, get over feeling self-conscious and buy some sexy clothes that will show him that regardless of the fact that you just pulled out a clump of hair and you’re carrying around enough excess water weight to fill a bathtub, you still want him.  As much as those ratty sweatpants, t-shirt from 1989 and mismatched Halloween socks are comfortable to YOU, don’t expect them to be featured in the Victoria’s Secret catalogue any time soon.

6. Have a date in your own home.  Sometimes it just isn’t possible to go out on the town when you’re chronically sick.  It’s a fact of life and as much as we don’t want to admit it, there are times our bodies won’t cooperate with us enough to even walk out of the front door. Being romantic doesn’t have to mean hitting the local Olive Garden to eat your weight in salad and breadsticks.  It can mean a quiet but simple dinner at home.  Extra bonus…order take-out, have him pick it up and throw the “dishes” in the trash.  Nothing will kill a mood faster than pan grease.

7. Talk. Sounds too simple, doesn’t it?  It is. One of the biggest ways to recapture intimacy is to simply communicate.  Whether it is because of constant pain, or years of the same routine…or sometimes both, along the way we forget to talk.  Only by communication can we begin to understand how our significant others feel.  In our world filled with pain, pills and doctor’s appointments, the topic of conversation is usually how WE feel.  The key is to remember that sometimes…it’s not about us.  Sometimes, It’s about them.
It’s all of the little things we do that matter at the end of the day.  While offering a smile and saying “thank you” may seem simple to us, it may mean the world to them.  Let the everyday idiosyncrasies of your relationship slide for a night and try to remember the reason you fell in love in the first place.  There will be plenty of time tomorrow to teach him again that the toilet seat, indeed, does go down, contrary to what he may think.

Article written by Senior Editor, Stephanie Kennedy.