Let's get straight to the point- my hair is falling out. Not just little wisps in my brush, but big clumps that leave ugly bald spots. It is upsetting and embarrassing, and depressing. I always thought I was one of those girls who was strong and confident- but now I doubt the smart, sexy fabulous girl I thought I was when I look in the mirror and see the pale, girl with thin hair. All I focus on is these bald patches. Will it all fall out? Will it get worse? Do I just chop off my long hair? Do I wear hats? A million questions and thought run through my mind.
I feel ugly.
I feel scared.
I feel lonely.
I just started a new medication that could be the cause of this hair loss. It could also be the Lupus flare that I am currently in that got so bad that it made me start the new medicine. (Kind of a what came first the chicken or the egg kind of thing.)
I try to forget about it- since there is really nothing I can do about it. I try to distract myself. I watch movies. I wear ponytails, I try to move on. I don't want to be "superficial". I never thought I was that kind of person. But then...I see hair on my pillowcase. I see hair on the shower drain floor.
I try to hold my baby, she always cheers me up. But then she is in a "grab everything" mode and she grabs my hair in her tiny fists. She is giggling and playing. She is beautiful. Her hands wave in the air and my hair comes out with it. The few moments of mommy bliss and shattered and I cry again.
More thoughts... More questions....
Do I try special shampoos? Do I not shower/ wash my hair? Do I look for a wig now while I have hair to match, or do I hope that this is the worst of it, and that I won't need a wig? My head feels itchy and soar. It feels weird.
I am trying to sleep, knowing that rest is what my body and mind need most now....but I rest my head on the pillow and I know that in the morning less hair will be there. Maybe if I don't sleep tonight, my hair won't fall out?
I don't feel pretty, or sexy, or fabulous. I don't feel like me.
Am I loosing pieces of myself as I loose my hair?
