Anger Management
I have been feeling very angry lately.
Angry that I do not have the energy I want to have to take care of my beautiful baby girl.
Angry tht I do not have the energy to push through the pain to even do the fun stuff, watch movies with my husband, hand out with our friends.... Man, I haven't even felt up to writing. I used to love to write and now my hands are swollen and I am loosing my creative juices.
The exhaustion and pain make even showering a torturous task.
I know and hop this is just a phase. I know life isn't fair. I am a big girl-- but boy , does it make me angry!
-Christine
What do you guys do when you are Angry at your illness? (comment below)
Comments
Great blog Christine! Here's my response to your question.
I've always been a physical person. Since I was little, I've played sports, and enjoyed particularly the ones were I've got to knock into other people. Sports have always been a way for me to release my pent up anger and frustration. Naturally, this worked better before my illness. However, this is still a method I employ when I'm angry at the limitations that my illness imposes. Oftentimes I feel angry that I'm in pain and that I'm exhausted. I feel angry that I can't do anything that I want to, and that I'm finding it so difficult to do the things I know I need to do. I just want to feel alive. So I stuff my feet into some running shoes. I'll walk or bike or find a friend to play with, and it hurts, and it sucks, and I'm not having fun, but for that half an hour, I have won. I am upright, despite my crippling exhaustion. I am running, despite my knees that are calling out for me to stop with every awkward step. This is stupid, I know, and I don't recommend it to anyone. By trying to appease my anger, I am only exacerbating the conditions that have provoked my ire. It is like picking at a scab in frustration that it won't heal. It is counterproductive and it is dumb. But when I wake up the next morning, I rarely feel angry. To feel anger, one must be alive enough to have a longing for the thing he cannot do. I am not angry when I cannot get out of bed the next day, because I have no desire to get out of bed. I do not have the drive to be angry. I am spent and I am sick and perhaps a little sad, but I'm no longer angry. I am quite content to pull the sheets over my head and sleep until the afternoon. I do not even feel the slightest compulsion to go about the things I know I need to do. They can wait for another time. Right now I concentrate on being still and quiet and I try to detach my mind from my body. I feel myself floating for a moment and then I lose awareness. Slowly, I know I will start to recover. I will feel better and be able to do more. Sometime soon, I will gape and stretch and then set my bare feet onto my warm carpet for the first time in what feels like ages. I will take a step-- gingerly, clumsily--and think my life is a gift.
Posted by: Lisa | October 30, 2007 11:25 PM