“Addition by Subtraction” – Sometimes Less Is More: A Lesson In

 

There comes a time in everyone’s life when they must re-evaluate things. For some it is their career path or material possessions, for others it is their choice in friends or bonds with family. For me, this year, it has been a little of everything.


I have spent a better part of the past year taking a very close look at many aspects of my life and deciding to listen to my inner voice of what is important and really “necessary”. Sometimes it was a faint whisper, but at other times the voice was screaming yearning to be heard. It is hard not to listen to others, and to listen to your true inner voice. It is definatly not the easier road to follow your heart and listen to that voice, but sooner or later it is the road we all learn to take.

Eventually.

Everything we see on television or in magazines lead us to believe that the more we have the happier we will be. We see pictures of cars, jewelry, handsome men or pretty women having a great time, and
that is supposed to make us believe that we should buy whatever it is that they are selling. We buy things to fill our souls even if it is emptying our wallets. We keep friends around to keep us company because sometimes it is easier to be in a crowded room then it is to sit alone, even if while in the crowd, we still feel lonely. We do
what we are “supposed to” and what is expected. We do what is easy. We are taught that it is better to be skinner, richer, or busier then we can or want to be.

Eventually something happened to me.

I got tired.

I got tired of living up to other people’s perceptions of what is right and what is good. I started to add things up. It was a certain kind of “life math” I had never done before. I started to think about money, friends, commitments, work and more. It seemed the more I to do, the less time I had for myself. I spend so much time running around, trying to keep up with all I did before I was sick. Although I knew the life of a healthy person comes with a different set of “rules”, I was trying to ignore them. I tried to work, have a social life, a love life and still do the daily chores I needed to do to “keep up”. I tried to forget I was sick. I tried to ignore that I needed to take care of myself physically, emotionally and spiritually. I reverted to the ways before I was sick and before my priorities changed. At the end of the day there was no time left for me or the simple things I enjoy. The time and energy it took to just keep up with everything and everyone else wasn’t worth it. I lived a cluttered life day to day with very little rewards. I was exhausted. Too much to do, too little time. Except in my case, time is not a luxury I have. I have limited time and energy… so what exactly was I spending my time doing? My days were filled but my life didn’t seem full.

I realized the more I “subtracted” from my life, the more I actually added to it. I am proud to say, the more I found ways to simplify, the happier I was, and am.

I now spend my time only keeping in touch with the friends who keep in touch with me. I will not spend time and energy I do not have on social commitments that do not add positively to my life. It’s quality not quantity. The less friends I have, the happier I have become because I am able to truly focus on the relationships that matter and the people who support me.

I took a good look at my calendar. It was filled with social, work, and family commitments that I did not enjoy or did not have the energy to do. I didn’t know how to say no. I felt like a “bad daughter” or friend if I did not attend everything. But by going to everything, I enjoyed nothing. I have learned to pick and choose 1 or 2 events or outings a week. I have learned to schedule in time to just rest and relax, because that is just as important as anything else.

In the past I have worked extra jobs for the money to buy things I didn’t need like extra clothes, make up or other material things. I was running myself ragged and didn’t want to notice that my health was suffering. What was my time and energy worth? Why was I working for these things that in the end do not matter? My time is much better spent on things my heart wants to do like write, run, and create. I was making a nice living, but was I living a nice life?

I try to spend at least a little bit of every day doing something I enjoy. Even if it is just taking a walk with my daughter, or taking a bath. It is important to enjoy the simple things. If your heart and soul aren’t happy and healthy, then your body will not be healthy either. I have genuinely felt better the less stress I have had in my life. I am happy. There is no doubt that there is a connection.

I now know that if the laundry doesn’t get done one day, it is ok. No one is keeping score if your bed is made, or if your socks match. I have learned that no one really cares how expensive your outfit is, or even if it was bought “this season”. There are no extra points in
heaven for how clean your house is. The only reward at the end of the day is how happy you are and I am much more happy with less.

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  • I was touched and inspired by this. Thank you for expressing your feelings and sharing with others who may not be able to put it into words but, feel the same way! Be Blessed =)

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  • Elizabeth

    I’m reminded of a visual reminder of determining what’s important. Get a big pickle jar, toss in some large rocks, then some smaller stones, and then sand. The big rocks represent the top priorities, the smaller stones the lesser priorities, and the sand? Whatever is left over.

  • Judy Woods

    Thank you, Dear. I know these things and have been trying to live up to my promise to be ruthless in tossing out and giving away stuff. Some things my Mom would have fits if I gave away, but I have to do it. I have several resources for giving things to charity, and think I have been quite judicious in doing so. I will keep trekking on, because once I move I have another old house to go through. This is difficult because I come from a long line of pack rats!!!

  • Denise Allen

    This brought tears to my eyes. Well written…maybe one day I’ll get to the same place you are now. I’m so happy for you.

  • mary

    BEAUTIFUL REALIZATION!!!!!

  • Marjorie Hufham

    Christine you really use your disease to help others! I heard you speak on the radio the other morning, SIRIUS radio, channel 102,on “Angels On Call’, with Mary Occhino. I try to catch her show every morning. And that’s where I heard of your Spoon Theory”, and your web site. Thanks for being here and shareing so creatively! I read some where, you wrote that your hair had come out in bunches, you know mine is doing that too. I’m the friend who has the Scleroderderma with Raynauds in my feet and hands. Time flies by so fast, and I need to find some energy to fix dinner, for just my husband and I(my boys are grown).Ones ‘s ateacher and one’s in heaven,(passed-over at 23, loose gravel on the highway). He had been a para-trooper in the army.He was safer jumping out of air-planes than driving on the highway. Ther weren’t any loose gravel signs. I love you, your friend, Marjorie

  • Tiger1957

    Boy, was this the perfect day for me to read this. I also found the comments helpful. One day, I actually wrote out a timetable for all of the items on my to-do list. I realized that, even if my health were 100% that day, my to-do list was much too ambitious. Even scaled back, I was doing too much. When I feel overwhelmed and behind, playing catchup, I end up spinning my wheels sometimes. Today was one of those days. After reading this, I’ve decided that I’m going to do my meditation that I skipped over the weekend and this morning, and then tackle my paperwork, one piece of paper at a time, with no pressure to do more than I can handle. I love the phrase “No is not a complete sentence”. I just ordered the book by the author that came out with that, and that was the hook that got me. Unfortunately, at this very minute, I can’t remember the title. Darned brain fog. At least I’m feeling more positive now. Thanks again.

  • Donna

    I spent the winter hybernating..waiting ..hoping I wouldn’t get ‘sick’. I stopped doing the things I loved doing. I energy level is low..but not that low..you said what I have told many. I will live again. I will pick and chose what I can do and with those people that are precious to me…for my time and energy is precious..God Bless…

  • Stacie

    Wow, what a great article. I left a $23/hr. job two years ago to go back to doing what I love making $11.25/hr. I completely eliminated my “job stress” and started resting when my body said rest. I am only 41, so this was difficult for me because I felt I was too young to feel the way I was feeling (I have Graves disease, fibromyalgia, degenerative disc disease, and PCOS) Although I live w/chronic conditions and pain, I now wake up heading to a job I do not dread, and it has made ALL the difference in my health, emotionally & physically. Yes, money is tight, but I like to say “my wallet is thinner, but my heart is fuller” Thank you for reaffirming my choice.

  • Patti

    AMEN! I totally agree with only keeping up with friends who care enough to keep up with me. I do not spend my time trying to fill my life with a bunch of friends…now my life actually fills fuller with my handful of friends.
    I am still working on the “not going to everything”. I’ll get there.

    Thanks yet again for yet another very insightful article!

  • DeNeka Johnson-Ermis

    I enjoyed reading this and the current post. Sometimes I feel helpless and worthless. I am currently considering going on disability but I am afraid of what my extended family will say or think which is very stupid. I have a college degree and have worked as a social worker for yen years. I have been sick for nearly all of that time. I do not have time for my childre or my husband because all of my spoons go into my job. I am rather worthless after I get off work. I love to help others and would continue to do so if on disability but it would be as I was able and devote more time to my dear children before they are grown. And my devoted husband needs a break from all of the housework grocerry shopping cleaning and cooking he so graciously does for our family. I want a simpliar life. Having a long term chronic illness makes eveything complicated. I am worn out. I need to make some changes in my life. I am praying God will led me to the right one. Manu thanks for your stories. Be blessed.

  • Stacy Reed

    Wow, do I ever agree with this topic! I used to be a shopaholic, I loved redoing rooms, decorating, shopping, I was obsessed! Since I’ve gotten sick with POTS, all those “things” I collected are just HUGE burdens, and I have been going room to room getting rid of things… LESS IS DEFINITELY MORE!

  • Melody Ream

    What an amazing realization. I think it takes us “sick” people awhile to get a grip on this concept. It is hard enough to be sick when you look fine then you add this type of peer pressure and when you can’t keep up you feel like a failure. But none of us are failures. We have been given a disease that complicates our lives and each of us must come to the realization that it’s okay to say “no”.
    One thing I stopped doing is going to parent teacher conferences. Before you think that was a bad decision and irresponsible, read on to my reasoning. My daughter’s Algerbra teacher was surprised to see me because my daughter had a 99% in the class. She made the comment that conferences were intended for parents with students having trouble. After I thought about that, it made sense. I am still in constant contact with my children’s teachers with our shcool system’s web site. If there is a problem it is handled before conference time. My children are honor roll students and I save so many “spoons” during those weeks that I can spend with my kids having fun. This may not be a choice for every parent but it is something to consider.

  • I like to remind myself that “NO!” is a complete sentence.

    How often have we said “YES!” to something we didn’t really want to do, because others were counting on us, or we felt too guilty, or we have always done this in the past?

    Yours is such an important message: ‘Addition by Subtraction”. Too bad I didn’t ‘get it’ until a heart attack got my attention and brought the message front and centre!

    Thanks for this!

  • There are a lot of people who aren’t sick who could learn from your example. Everyone has limits, and for some reason the least important and most obnoxious obligations, often from pushy people, will shove ahead of anything that’s important for the self and sometimes for your nearest and dearest too.

    The first round of tossing out activities and objects you don’t like, need or want is easy. Let go of anything you don’t enjoy and won’t enjoy in future. It’s making choices between things you do want when you have limited energy that gets harder.

    Am I going to work on my writing today and push toward my long term future, or fill my loneliness by sketching, painting and posting it online? I rarely manage both writing and art in the same day, and only if I put the writing first. Or am I going to get so sick that all I do is reread a favorite book? Can’t even tell at the top of the day, weather changes.

    Scheduled writing events like Nanowrimo help to prioritize, but I found I could count on doing one thing every day. The days that I don’t even manage to do a two minute gesture sketch are the worst, they are shameful, I feel a dread that people are going to resent my being a burden and pick on me or throw me out. Or that I’ll just fail to do all the necessary things I need to live and wind up dying of not being able to keep up.

    Those are my biggest fears because they came true or came close too many times. Obviously I didn’t die of not being able to keep up, but I literally starved for three months because I wasn’t capable of getting down five flights of stairs and then taking a bus to a food bank. If that went on too long, I would have died, plain and simple.

    The shame I have about not being good enough runs deep, but I fight that constantly. I should not judge myself by standards I never apply to other people. I should have the respect for myself that I do for you and anyone else with a disease, limitation or disability.

    I do a lot for someone with as little energy and mobility as I have. I wind up documenting all of it fiercely, finding forums where I can post online what I did that day. Mostly art, but I can post my writing progress there when I’m doing a novel.

    Next month is Script Frenzy, so I’ll be doing my graphic novel’s story at last. Maybe then with all the artists I know, I can find one who wants to draw the story and we can submit it to Dark Horse. I wouldn’t mind my first pro publication being a comic, look what that did for Neil Gaiman!

    I could not give up hope that something I do could be worthwhile enough that I can live on it. I could not accept the idea that I’m just dependent on other people and the state and just another disabled guy, nobody special, nobody important, nobody to respect. I was ambitious from the time I was small and needed to become a writer.

    I would’ve still had that need if I was undisabled, but I would’ve been a lot more like Kerouac and traveled while writing. But some of the stuff makes the difference between sanity and despair, especially art supplies, the professional paintings I bought and hang on my walls as inspiration, the comforts like my arm chair or waterbed that allow me to function.

    I would probably have less stuff if I weren’t disabled because I’d need less and travel more. But accepting the reality of my life sets the “Stuff” threshold at pretty much the size of my room and from there it’s relatively easy to throw out useless things or anything I don’t like, or give it away if it’s still good.

  • Veronique

    Well done. That is exactly how I live my life too. It took me a fair bit of therapy to be able to let go of all the things I was doing only because people expected me to, but now I feel happier than ever.
    In my case therapy taught me that the fact that some people (friends, family) chose a role for me and had expectations didn’t mean that I had to fulfill their wishes. And thinking of myself a bit was not selfish but a matter of survival.
    For the first time in my life, at over 30, I stopped living stuck between a powerful feeling of guilt and exhaustion.

    I too reorganised my whole life, working less, earning less money but with more time for me and with that energy saved I was able to develop friendships that really matter and I have now, for the first time in my life (and despite the fact that I don’t live in my country) a solid network of friends who support me in the worst moments of my life. And God knows Fibromyalgia knows how to knock you down.

    It doesn’t solve everything. You are still sick, still tired, but at least, THIS life is worth living… and enjoyable.

  • Wonderful words! Thank you.

  • Ruth

    You took the words right out of my mouth thanks for writing this!!!