Never ask - "How are you feeling today?"
It's taken me a long time to get out of the automatic habit of saying, "How are you?" when I see someone. That question would be all right to ask most healthy people because the spontaneous response of "fine" would be appropriate.
I have discovered that people who are ill hate that simple question. Most of the time the answer is not "fine" and yet they feel obligated to answer with that very response, so as not to disappoint. When I questioned my daughter Christine about giving such a positive response, on a day when she felt just awful, she said "Mom, people don't always want to know the real answer to that question. Also, who really wants to go through a litany of symptoms and aches and pains? It's easier to just say-fine." You have to pick and choose whom to be honest with and who really wants that quick succinct answer- "fine."
Recently, my 80 year old mom has been recuperating from major knee surgery. At the beginning of her recuperation, when I went into her hospital room I slipped back into the bad habit and the cliché of saying "hi Mom, how are you?" She would then tell me one or many adjectives that fit the description of lousy and our time together inevitably started off on a negative note.
Now, I begin the visit by asking "How was your day today? Anybody call or visit?" I get lots more information and at this point, I kind of know how she feels and when she is having less pain. As most of you know- pain has a way of showing itself on your face. It doesn't need an announcement that it is here.
So the next time someone asks you "How are you?" - be patient, it's become more of a greeting than a true inquiry. And the next time you see someone you know who is sick or recuperating ask "What is new?" or "How was your day?" If they want you to know about their health, they will tell you.
So to all of you out there- "How was your day?"..... Great, I hope.
by Janet Miserandino © 2005
Comments
I just wanted to say how much I relate to what Janet Meserandino is saying. I was diagnosed with MS a little over a year ago, and I sometimes try to avoid talking to people simply because of the question "How are you?". Deep inside I want to scream terrible!! I want to tell them how every single part of my body aches, and how my spirit feels like its dying every day. Of course this isnt how I feel everyday, but it seems like those are the days that question is bound to appear. I know that there is no way around it so I have learned to say Im hanging in there. Im sick of lying and saying Im just fine, but at the same time most people really dont want to know the details. So I thank you for bringing this up, and helping me to not feel like the only grumpy one out there, lol!!
Posted by: Mollie Mixon | April 11, 2008 02:57 AM
I find this website so inspiring! When people ask me how I am, I like to say, "Well my body is a bit strange, but all is well with my soul!" :)
Posted by: Margaret L. Been | May 21, 2008 07:42 AM
Wow, totally agree.
I get asked about my day and its ALWAYS fine. Because in reality, i nearly always am not fine.
I am usually dizzy and in bad pain.
So thank you.
Posted by: kara | May 22, 2008 04:53 AM
Thank you for this article. I am currently caring for my father, who is in long-term rehab to recover from complications after heart surgery. Dad is making progress, but this whole situation is so difficult for me physically, emotionally, etc. People ask, "How are you?" and if I say anything other than "Fine," they immediately change the subject. Just once, I would like to hear someone say, "I know you're going through a rough time. If I can do anything to help you out, please let me know." Sometimes they say things like, "I'm sure everything will be all right." Perhaps that's their way of being optimistic, but for some reason, it feel as if they are diminishing the stress under which my family is living. This experience has taught me never to ask someone, "How are you?" unless I sincerely want to hear the answer and have the capacity to respond in a helpful manner.
Posted by: Taylor | July 11, 2008 09:23 PM