Doing a fast rewind of my last 6 months I realized that I have been postponing lots of things, cancelling activities, failing to keep up with my own internet forums, putting off projects... and the reason I apologetically seem to give constantly is, "It's been a really bad month." With my various medical conditions, they either flare up alone or in combinations- it never seems to stop. At least I never get bored! One day my back may be locked up and I can't walk. After a few days that's better but my knee joint goes crazy and I have to sit with my leg up for days. About the time that gets better, it's time for my IVIG infusion and I'm sluggish for ten days from the effects of the heparin shots that I have to take afterwards in order to keep from getting a blood clot from my APS. You get the idea - I never know how I will wake up on any given day, similar to most of you with chronic diseases. Arghhhhh!

It's just not fair, really - the fact that I have been hit with four different diseases, plus four back surgeries did not stop my creativity, my interest in new things, and in wanting to participate in the world! It's so easy to take on new projects while underestimating the energy required to complete or maintain them! And then, inevitably, I feel BAD. Lots of phrases spring to mind, all self-chastizing, all negative. And then... on a "good day," eventually, I pick myself up, get some of the work done and start apologizing, vowing to do better next time.

ENOUGH. I could sit here and beat myself up for days over this. It makes me feel BAD. I hold myself to a higher standard. Oops... wait a minute... it's a standard of "my former life," the life before I got sick. It's just not real.

So maybe I need to redefine for myself what a "bad month" really would mean. A bad month would be having your child in the hospital. A bad month would be having a death in the family. A bad month would be losing your best friend. So in that context, I really did not have a BAD month! I had...

... A Muffed-Up Month!!!

So what would be a GOOD month? Feeling great, winning the lotto, getting cured? Nah. I'll settle for feeling pretty ok, ... smiling over a flower or a schnauzer's antics now and then,... being able to make something pretty when I feel like it... and most of all, having friends who are willing to put up with my "muffed-up months!"

Review written by Sheila Talley, Butyoudontlooksick.com© 2006