Saying No...Without Saying No!
Do you have a hard time with saying no, and find yourself agreeing to a task or responsibility you know you won't have the energy, time, or even physical ability to do? Are you so over-committed that you can't see a free space in your calendar for weeks? If so, read on!!
I recommend you learn the magic phrase I will tell you about in a minute. We humans in general, but women in particular, have a hard time saying the word NO.
You've undoubtedly become familiar with Christine's wonderful "spoon theory." If you start out with 10 spoons and you use up 7 of them baking 6 dozen cookies for the choir practice tomorrow, what does that leave for you and your family's needs for the rest of your day? How will it impact your next day if you overdo it today being on your feet shopping for groceries and baking all those cookies, delivering them, etc.? And WHY are you doing it? Is it because you've always been the one who did it? Do you even like to bake cookies? Can no one else bake them (or buy them?)
You simply can't agree to things without thinking them through when you are a disabled person. You have to analyze the task - think of the steps and energy required to complete what the person is asking you to do for them.
Then you have to re-analyze it in a different way, in terms of how important it is to you or how it will make you FEEL to do it. There are some times when the feel-good outweighs the cost and you can go ahead and do something you know is too hard. But know in advance that you will pay. If you can accept those terms, then say yes and go ahead with a glad heart! But if you can't, it's time to say the magic phrase - "That doesn't work for me. "
Notice I did not say "I'm SORRY that doesn't work for me." Also notice the word, "because" doesn't appear in this phrase! There is simply no need to apologize OR say why you choose not to do it!! Just say it. Watch the person's reaction and be amazed. Their response will probably be "Oh, ok." Nothing bad will happen. They won't faint. And best of all, you didn't have to use the word "NO!"
Now, if people are impolite enough to question you as to WHY it doesn't work for you, simply ask them "Why do you want to know?" That is a real powerful stopper! Or you can simply repeat "Because that just doesn't work for me" until they give up.
I have used this strategy for several years now and it really does work, once you are committed to the strategy. I hope it works for you, too!
Written by Sheila Talley © 2005
